Pirate Fashion 101

With Halloween fast approaching, I'm sure you've all been cramming furiously to master, once and for all, the look and lingo of modern-day pirates. Beware the outdated notion that a pirate must be macho, suave, and intimidating. In actuality, today's pirate is endearlingly juvenile and soft in nature. The following is a brief yet comprehensive summary of the Modern-Day Pirate, compliments of one Captain Carson, RPE (Real Pirate Extraordinaire):

- "Arg, Matey" is OUT. "Arg, MICKEY!" is IN.

- Eye patch that completely covers the eye is OUT. Eye patch with 1" gaps on each side, allowing clear visibility even from covered eye, is IN. Obviously.

- Real pirate pants are OUT. Old, tight, polyester pajama bottoms are IN. Jagged edges at the hem remain timeless.

- Perfectly fitting pirate boots are OUT. Remotely fitting pirate boots are OUT. Boots that could conceivably fit the pirate are also OUT. Today's IN pirate boots must be an obvious mis-fit by a good 5-6 full sizes.

- Blousy, chest-hair-bearing pirate shirts are OUT. Old white dress shirts are IN (the Old Navy car embroidered over the heart is an indisputable bonus).

- Genuine hooks for hand-replacement are OUT. Hooks that look like hand replacements but that actually are noticeably clutched by the hand in question, to double as a sword or close-range dagger, are IN.

- Manly leather belts are OUT. Oversized blue belts with large golden buckles from the 80's are IN. (If you didn't know that one, I'm embarrassed for you.)

- And, clearly, curved pirate cutlass and pirate head covering featuring the Jolly Roger are not only IN, but they are absolute must-haves. A telescope, which can be easily tucked into the belt for convenience, is highly recommended.

For your convenience and educational interest, I've included a photo example of the Modern-Day Pirate, which incorporates the elements discussed above in flawless detail: