There's no such thing as a little thing.

This weekend, Paul and I were at a meeting. Several rows in front of us sat a couple, probably in their 60s and each very large. I noticed another lady come into the room, alone, and sit one chair away from the husband. The wife noticed the newcomer and waved slightly. A nice gesture, I thought. Then, I watched as the wife, with great effort, heaved herself up out of her chair, shuffled slowly around her husband, and carefully, painfully, lowered herself onto the chair on the other side of him. She put her arm around the new lady and leaned in to whisper a greeting. They both smiled.

So simple and sweet.

Pirate Fashion 101

With Halloween fast approaching, I'm sure you've all been cramming furiously to master, once and for all, the look and lingo of modern-day pirates. Beware the outdated notion that a pirate must be macho, suave, and intimidating. In actuality, today's pirate is endearlingly juvenile and soft in nature. The following is a brief yet comprehensive summary of the Modern-Day Pirate, compliments of one Captain Carson, RPE (Real Pirate Extraordinaire):

- "Arg, Matey" is OUT. "Arg, MICKEY!" is IN.

- Eye patch that completely covers the eye is OUT. Eye patch with 1" gaps on each side, allowing clear visibility even from covered eye, is IN. Obviously.

- Real pirate pants are OUT. Old, tight, polyester pajama bottoms are IN. Jagged edges at the hem remain timeless.

- Perfectly fitting pirate boots are OUT. Remotely fitting pirate boots are OUT. Boots that could conceivably fit the pirate are also OUT. Today's IN pirate boots must be an obvious mis-fit by a good 5-6 full sizes.

- Blousy, chest-hair-bearing pirate shirts are OUT. Old white dress shirts are IN (the Old Navy car embroidered over the heart is an indisputable bonus).

- Genuine hooks for hand-replacement are OUT. Hooks that look like hand replacements but that actually are noticeably clutched by the hand in question, to double as a sword or close-range dagger, are IN.

- Manly leather belts are OUT. Oversized blue belts with large golden buckles from the 80's are IN. (If you didn't know that one, I'm embarrassed for you.)

- And, clearly, curved pirate cutlass and pirate head covering featuring the Jolly Roger are not only IN, but they are absolute must-haves. A telescope, which can be easily tucked into the belt for convenience, is highly recommended.

For your convenience and educational interest, I've included a photo example of the Modern-Day Pirate, which incorporates the elements discussed above in flawless detail:

Tootsie rolls

I used to think tootsie rolls were a sell-out, not-worth-your-time candy. On Halloween night, after several hours' worth of intense trick-or-treating effort, my brothers and I would wade through massive piles of our newly acquired candy. Inevitably, I would have thousands upon thousands (I'm certain of it) of tootsie rolls, which, every year, I'd pile up into a frustratingly tall pyramid. Oh, the candy that could've filled their spot in my bag! Oh, the sad laments of youth!

The tootsie roll's fate was not noble. They'd either be traded for something - anything - more appealing from a brother's loot (usually I got rocked in the trade - 10:1 or some ridiculous exchange rate like that). Or, when that didn't work, I'd give them as an offering to The Mom (who made her living collecting trick-or-treat "fees" after we checked out our haul each Halloween night) to keep her sampling fingers out of my precious snickers or skittles.

ANYway, I share this background with you only to say that I think my taste buds have advanced over the years, and, just like with tomatoes and green peppers, I now find the tootsie roll quite a delectable treat. In my new, very mature frame of mind, I can in no way mock the sincerity and valiance in which the following hoard was both collected and guarded:

I probably shouldn't be blogging this...

Carson's really into babies. And marriage. Like, he constantly talks about getting married and having his own babies, "when I drow (grow) up and det (get) big." The other day, I heard him planning with Layla, "Lays, when we drow up, we can det may-eed and hab our own kids!" Layla: (uncomprehending but agreeable) "Yeah, Hawsee (Carsie)! Otay!"

I ever-so-casually interjected (trying to plant a seed of truth, here), "Yes, when you get much older, you'll be able to find a nice friend to marry, and Layla will find a husband! That will be fun." Carson: "No, mom. Layla will marry ME because I LOVE her!" Me: (pause...then, stubbornly and lamely) "I'm glad you love her. Aren't you lucky that you'll have Lays for your sister forever? Let's read a book..."

Equally hilarious, slash, eye-rolling is Carson's regular questioning, "Mom, when are you and dad detting anudder baby? (looking at me with adult-like concern) Don't you miss your udder babies, mommy?" Me: "You and Layla are my babies, and I love you." Carson: "But I want some moi (more) babies. I miss my udder babies!"

Sorry, kid. Here, have a stuffed animal.

Good morning to you.

Seriously, look at this little girl. How could the entire week be anything but great for anyone within 18 miles of her?

Leaves are falling all around...

At least, that's how it's supposed to work. In reality, however, leaves from throughout the northern hemisphere are joining together and flying, in one mass of growing leafen hysteria, to inhabit my yard.

Two things...

Today at church, Carson was so excited to go to nursery (as usual). He asked me how long after the "snack-ra-ment" it would be before it was time. Paul and I did our best to minimize the snickering.

On the drive home tonight, Carson looked out the car window and announced that the sun had gone down for the night. "It's not Sunday anymoy (anymore), dad. It's sunNIGHT!" So that's how it works. Interesting. All of a sudden, a "Frinight" date with Paul isn't sounding quite so romantic...

Glorious.

There is nothing more glorious than a haircut after going 7 months without one. Trimmed and thinned - feels great. Some of you are probably grossed out that I go that long (although, if you know me well, you're not at all surprised...). But there it is. A deep dark secret for all the world (all four of you who read this) to see.

Nothing much...

I was just starting to feel a little stressed that I haven't posted anything in a week...like, is my life so very dull that NOTHING is note-worthy? Kind of, actually, yes. But I'm taking a valiant stab at coming up with SOMEthing this morning.

I've been reading tons and tons lately, in my free time (which, if I have a book handy, can actually be found - a few minutes here and there add up). Sometimes when my kids see me reading, they'll bring books over and we'll have snuggle reading time, so that's pretty sweet.

Speaking of "sweet," the greatest is when little Layla busts out too-big words, like "ah-sum!" or "too!" ("cool"). It catches me off-guard, and I usually end up laughing at her, which makes her say them even more. The fun part is that Carson's old enough to "get" why I'm laughing, too, and he'll join in.

For some random reason, my kids haven't been sleeping very well at nights. Both of them seem to wake up several times during the night - Carson to go potty or get a drink or to ask help in finding his doll, Layla just to scream and to be laid down in her crib again with her teddy and dolly. Blugh. I think they got in some bad habits while they were sick (which I don't mind helping them through - last week I spent many middle-of-the-night hours rocking Layla, making a bed on the floor for a sick Carson and, at his heart-breaking insistence, sleeping down there with him...which I'm getting FAR too old for, by the way..., and getting up and out of bed to help them with whatever else they could find to need at 3 a.m.), so since they're feeling better, Paul and I are trying, lovingly, to get them both back in the swing of things. a.k.a. sleeping an 8-hour stint straight through. Last night was better, so things are looking up.

I went to IKEA with my MIL and two SILs last Saturday. We came home with a truckload of stuff. That store is enormous. It was a fun, albeit expensive, trip.

Welp, Layla's just woken up, so I'm going to get her her breakfast. By the way (this probably deserves its own post, after all the time we've spent getting here), Carson's 100% in undies now. That was one glorious thing about his being sick - he pretty much just decided overnight that he'd use the potty. After over a year of on-and-off potty use. Note to self: Save the stress and wait until the KID decides next time.

Sigh. Live and learn. And laugh while jumping, many times, with your kids into a heaping pile of leaves in the fall. Life is good.

Top 10 Things About My Life Today

10 - Hearing Layla's crying over the baby monitor, Carson came over to stroke it gently and coo into it like a mic, "It's okay, sweetie. Don't cry. You'll be okay."

9 - Carson's extreme pride when her crying [editor's note: coincidentally] stopped shortly thereafter.

8 - Layla's dropping a toy this morning and exclaiming, "Oh, doodness!"

7 - New books from the library (including two for me) and, on an unrelated note, Carson's long nap (2 hours and counting).
6 - An hour-long episode of The Office on tonight.

5 - Paul's encouraging of me to sleep in this morning even though I had a lot to do.
4a - A dinner plan ready to go.

4b - That dinner plan being pizza.

3 - Carson's and Layla's valiant efforts to be pleasant despite their both still having an unrelenting case of the yuckies.
2 - John & Jenn's anticipated visit tonight to help reinstall the bathroom stuff and hang out.
1 - The leaves are beautiful, the sun is out, the box elder bugs have decreased their numbers to a mere 100,000 outside our house (down from about 80 million), and the silver lining is shining once again (it appears to have been down for maintenance over the past few days, but it's polished up now and back in business).

My little sickos

Carson slept in until 11 (?!?!?!!) this morning. Actually, I should say "slept in" loosely, because he proceeded out to the couch to resume a marginally-improved level of consciousness directly thereafter. He caught the bug Paul and Layla had this weekend. I set up a little TV in the living room and made Layla and Carson a "sick bed" on the couch so they could watch while I tried to clean and do laundry and such. I glanced over and saw them like this and felt an overwhelming sense of Mommyhood. Similar to a few other tender moments (last night tucking a pathetic yet sweet Layla into bed for the night and hearing her say, "day-doo [thank you], mommy" in her scratchy sick voice; this morning hearing a sad, sick Carson inform me, "when I cough, my troat [throat] is hurty," and many others).

None of us is 100% around here, so it's National Lazy Day at the Smarts. Come on by if you fit the bill.

Sunday Gen. Conf. afternoon session...

First Sunday in October, between 2:00 and 4:00 p.m. MDT, is a worldwide allocated naptime. Not to be missed by anyone of any age.

Carson got the memo. Did you?

Racking up some SERIOUS sympathy points

Paul and Layla are both sick; they both had rough nights. This is the first time in her life Layla's been really, REALLY sick (she has a fever, glazed eyes, just a total heart-wrenching little girl right now). It stinks. I'm glad that Carson and I are feeling well, though...two out of four's not bad.

My "To Do" list for today had consisted of: clean out the gutters, clean out the garden, replant the iris bulbs, get & plant tulip bulbs, get the parts and fix the sprinkler pipe before we winterize them, make coffee cake for breakfast before General Conference, make rolls and Paul's belated birthday cake for tomorrow, reinstall the bathroom (lights, toilet, sink), clean the other bathrooms, and clean out/organize the garage.

So far, I've accomplished: make coffee cake for breakfast, buy out the entire "cold remedies" section of our local pharmacy, rock Layla, hold Layla, play with Carson while holding Layla, make lunch for my boys, read to Layla, watch Paul read to Layla, force medicine down Layla's throat, listen to a cumulative 5 minutes of Conference, and get Carson dressed.

Dah well. This helps us appreciate good health, right? I don't feel so bad about not getting to the outside stuff because it's raining/snowing anyway. And Layla doesn't let me rock her very often, so it's a down-to-my-toes sweet pleasure. If only I could rock away her sky-high fever...

Babysitting

Last night, Paul and I watched our friends' two kids (ages 2 and 4) for a couple of hours. It was great--all four little munchkins got along famously...it was actually easier to have all four of them here than it is with just two. Anyway, times were good until about 2 minutes before the parents came home, when little Samuel tripped over a pillow on the floor and smacked his forehead against a stupid wood strip along the bottom of a couch. He immediately developed an enormous goose-egg, much to my horror. The poor poor little guy!

My friends were really nice about it (apparently this little boy is much like Carson was at that age - a human bulldozer, slash, demolition derby contestant, with many battle wounds to prove it) and didn't seem to be all that concerned at "just" a goose-egg (which happened to be the size of a lime or a canteloupe, who knows), but I'm convinced they'll never let their kids in our house again.

Oh man, I feel just terrible. Nuts.

A bit of self-indulgent prattle

- Because "true" fall, where the leaves are vibrant and still attached, is typically short, we had FHE up the canyon on Monday with Matt, Val, and Annie. What with the beautiful background, we thought it might be a good chance for a family photo op, so I took care to comb the kids' hair. Unfortunately, nature was against us - it was rainy, windy, and pretty cold, and Carson just wanted to go back home.

But we found this cave of sorts about 30 yards up the mountain from where we parked, so we moved our picnic in there. Yummy warm chili & homemade bread (heh...I warmed up the chili from a can while Val spent her afternoon slaving in the kitchen to produce the homemade bread). Carson was so proud of himself that he wasn't scared of the cave, he wanted to spend the night there. We had a hard time convincing him it probably wasn't in his best interest; I still don't know if he believes us. Of course, wouldn't you know it, the rain stopped after dinner, but the window of opportunity for family photos had pretty much slammed shut (we forgot the napkins).

- Carson's been cracking us all up with his statements and observations lately. The other day, he asked me if I could make him "lovely" by doing his hair. Yikes. Last night, I was watching High School Musical (don't ever take movie recommendations from Beehives, by the way), and Carson came and curled up next to me to watch it with me; he kept repeating random bits of their dialogue and then laughing hysterically to himself. He was definitely more entertaining than the movie.

- We're one coat of paint away (and the reinstallation of all necessities) from finishing our infamous master bathroom. I'm getting antsy. I've already peeled off the sick wallpaper from our other bathroom, taking great care this time to leave the drywall underneath undamaged. Paul has warned me not to get ahead of myself, but I just can't help it. Hopefully this next project will be easier and faster...maybe by 2009...

- Layla's done with her high chair. She refuses to sit in it and eat, preferring instead her booster seat at the table. I've noticed that most families have their "set" positions at the table (we used to as well), but lately Carson has been shaking things up a bit by enjoying the change of scenery from a different vantage point at every meal. One thing that doesn't change is that one of us is inevitably on a folding chair. I'm currently on the hunt for another dining room chair. It's not easy to find just one wooden chair (it has to look a particular way to blend in with our eclectic set...I know, picky picky).

- I've had a lot of writing/editing work to do, which makes for some early mornings/late nights. Good thing I'm completely comfortable with my nerd-hood and enjoy it. And we're able to save most of the pennies it brings in, so that's happy.