okay, so i need to know what you would do, or what i should've done:
in tumbling class today, carson got three quick "warnings" from the teacher/coach because he kept playing with part of the obstacle course while she was explaining the circuit. he deserved it; he needs to learn to listen better (we're working on this...but...i'm finding it pretty much impossible). anyway, so then she starts letting the kids (there are 3 other girls in his class) through the circuit, one at a time. his turn is last, but she invites him when it's time.
he just pouts and sits there and shakes his head "no." the coach, very nicely and calmly, says something to the effect of, "it's your turn if you want to go, carson, but it's your choice if you want to just sit there instead." so he sits there.
the other kids go through the circuit a time or two; carson stays put and pouts. i'm trying to not be one of those over-involved moms when another authority figure is in place, but finally i can't take it anymore. (mostly, it's because i'm paying money for him to go to this class, and HE WILL PARTICIPATE, DANG IT.)
i sneak in and discreetly call him over to the corner to talk to him. he nearly starts crying: "i don't want to hab any whynings [warnings]. coach gabe me tree whynings." i explain that he got those because he wasn't listening to his coach, but if he started listening now, he wouldn't have to worry about the warnings. i encouraged him to try the circuit (a.k.a. "if you don't try to participate, we're not going to the library after tumbling. your choice."), but he went back onto his carpet mat and pouted some more.
circuit time was over, now it was time for the balance beams and long trampoline on the other side of the gym (which he normally loves). once more, his coach nicely invited him to join in the fun so he didn't miss out; he wanted to (i could tell) but continued to sit there and glare/pout. she took the other kids across the gym, and carson ran, crying, out to me.
dilemma: what would you do? what should an insightful, with-it, sensitive, recognizes-every-teaching-moment-ever-presented parent do?
probably not what i did. i sat him in a chair in the waiting room and told him quietly, "if you're not going to participate in class, then you'll have to just sit here and be bored until class is over." he started crying harder and got up repeatedly to come cry at me. i ignored him.
layla took this as an open invitation to join in the cry-fest, so in about 2 minutes flat, both of my kids were screaming, i was pretending to be oblivious but was completely embarrassed (there were 5-10 other parents in the waiting room), and i also didn't know what to do. so we left, mostly because the other parents were giving me "looks" (i.e., "why can't that lady control her kids?" "get those crying kids out of here, can't you see how annoying they are to me?" "what kind of bad parent are you, anyway?" etc. etc.).
[editor's note: my sis-in-law, who was there as well, and i were talking about how we totally remember how hard it was to be disciplined by someone other than our parents. like, when a teacher got after us or something, it completely ruined our whole day. so, i understand carson's overarching emotion, but i don't know how to help him recognize that the cause is in his hands.]
on the way home, i didn't say anything about the incident (i usually talk these things to death, but i've recently decided to try a new tactic: withhold extreme attention, one way or the other, on behavior like this). a few minutes into our drive, carson sniffled and said to me, "mom, i'm sad dat i really missed out on some fun in tumbling. i REALLY missed out!"
me: "yes, you did."
carson: "but dat makes me soooo sad!"
me: "well, it was your choice to miss out. coach invited you to join in, but you chose not to." [i should've stopped talking, but i couldn't help myself with one more comment] "making bad choices usually DOES make us sad."
carson's punishment is: no library, no dessert after lunch, and naptime instead of playtime. he's currently exiled to his room until i go get him. it may be a few days.
i bet this makes you all jealous that i'm not your parent, doesn't it. either that, or scared for the world's outlook that i'll soon have another child.
help. please. advice?
17 comments:
Ryan tried soccer last summer and even though he was so excited for it, he would just stand there. I got really mad at him, probably every day. Now, I really think he was just too young. It sounds like Carson really understood what he did wrong and I would think maybe if you just remind him of it again before his next class he will do better. Aren't kids so fun-my favorite is when they start fighting at the library when we are trying to check out the books and of course they each want the ones they picked out, but the lady doesn't know that and even though I am always reminding them to be quiet in the library, they yell at each other and...I hate that. We try our best but boy do kids make us want to hide sometimes.
you handled it well. what you said is true - it is WAY worse being disciplined by another adult, other than your parents. it makes my kids cry too, ser. but we did the same kind of thing with natalie not going into nursery. she didn't have to go - but she had to sit on the stairs and do NOTHING. same when she entered primary - but she actch likes primary.
ANYWAY - it's harder when you are paying for the activity. i would sit and talk to carson and tell him if he doesn't want to have fun classes/activities - that's fine. but once he starts a class he has to participate and finish it. If he decides to disobey and not participate again - have a punishment he knows will happen, you know? we use an "obedience chart" in our home. once they get a certain number of stickers - they get a big prize (new stuffed animal, dinner out, whatever he'll love, you know?) anyway - not sure if my rambling has helped. i'm not the best at conveying my thoughts. hope he likes it better next week :)
I just think this is great because you're soliciting help and advice in this post, but really, you gave me some great ideas with how to handle my own little ones. Thank you! You ARE an excellent parent; that's a fact. I think it is sooooo hard to watch our children go through the process of learning about natural consequences. I know I would probably fix everything for them if it were possible, but then they wouldn't learn for themselves. And WE wouldn't learn, right? Yeah, right. So they say. :)
Ya gotta love a good temper tantrum in the middle of the store, or some other place full of people who are perfect parents with perfect children.
I can feel my face burning up right now thinking about my kids getting into a fist-fight (for real!) on the back row of the chapel while we were visiting a ward in California on our trip. The topic of the meeting: Teaching Our Families Reverence. I am not making this up. I actually just gathered up our stuff and dragged us all out of there. I just couldn't take it!
you are the perfect parent for your children. that's why Heavenly Father sent them to you. what works for one child might not work for the other (even with kids from the same family) just know that no one knows your kids like you do. and at this age up until they turn 12 or 13, you know their heart even better than they know themselves. all parents second guess themselves at least 50 times a day. just listen to that little voice inside your heart and you'll do fine. it's right about 90% of the time. and as for the other 10%, blame it on all the brains cells that you killed off while giving birth. hang in there.
Tracii
Is it okay that I laughed most of the way through that post? Not at your plight, of course, but because A) you describe things in a hilarious way, and B) I KNOW Noah is going to do that. He already does, but without the comprehension that Carson has.
So I'm not going to pretend I have advice to offer-- rather, I'm going to read everyone else's, print this blog post and comments off and put it in my journal. And hope I remember it's there in a few years when I need it.
I think you handled it well. You tried calmly to get him to participate while it was still an option. Once kids get to the point of hysterics it's usually too late. Taking them home was probably the best thing to do. Owen did the exact same thing at his tumbling class a while ago. Screaming and crying in the waiting room...we left too :)
Okay, if you think you didn't handle the situation well, then I'm in trouble:) You handled it as well as you could have...I would have reacted the same way:) I think you're a great parent!!!
Oh I can't wait for the things to come...in all reality, I probably would have done EXACTLY what you did. Honestly.Isn't it funny how sometimes our kids embarrass us to death, and then other times we are proud as peacocks to be associated with them. ahhh, parenthood. I'm still clueless so I'm sorry I'm no help.
Hi Brittney,
I love reading you stories. They are so real. You are a wonderful parent. I love how you & Paul are with you little ones. Brittney your follow-up consequences and comments to Carson were on target. Carson’s comments shows he gets it that he missed out because of his behavior. So how to keep a behavior from escalating? No expert here and I have no perfect answers but I will share a few insights I have learned through the years.
My comments are more from a teacher/behaviorist view. First and foremost always when working on behavior you need to not let the child hear, see, or feel that you take things personally. (Whether the parent or the teacher.) Yes you can be positive and firm but this is directed to the child not a reflection of how you take it personally. I believe the teacher handled the situation very well.
If you trust this teacher then turn your head and let her handle the situation. You can stay there "watching" just don't give any eye contact or body language to suggest that you are aware that he/she is having a little melt down. Kids rebound quicker if there is not an audience. I know there were other people around but generally young ones don’t “see” the other people (only our adult eyes do) they just see the audience of the authority figure i.e. teacher or parent. If the child asks later you can say something to the tune of: “I am glad you have a teacher that wants you to play when you are ready.” Again do not let on that this affected you personally.
If the teacher handles it even if he never participates he has had his consequences – if you do not become involved then it can be finished there. For a situation like this (classroom part) no further consequences needed. Following tantrums? Yes you dole out the consequence.
Yes you are paying for the lessons but your investment is in raising a child to teen and then manhood - not a tumbler. Sometimes these situations (tumbling class) will provide an opportunity for us to let go just a little and let them practice learning how to regulate their own behavior without leaning on mom & dad. That is an investment worth paying for!
Lots of love, Aunt Suzy
PS Warning: sometimes if a behavior gets started and the reward for the behavior, often our attention, is stopped (not paying attention to it) the behavior will get worse before it gets better. Child: “it use to work maybe if I just get louder then they will hear me” Try to continue to ignore it but if you need to take them away from the situation either make no comments as you do so or babble on about the beautiful sky, wow the leaves on the tree are very green today and did you hear that bird? Then when the child is in control have a simple discussion about the situation like you did in this case.
Brittney, I think you handled this great. I, ahem, have a, ahem, drama queen on my hands and so many times I feel like I have no clue. Swimming lessons last year will forever be my "coming out" moment of having a stubborn, crying, back talking child, and not knowing what to do about it. Sounds like you handles things just fine. Just keep being consistent:)
Well, thanks for this post. By reading all the comments I feel very enlightened. I just might print them off and put them somewhere :). I think you did a great job (love and logic would be proud)! And just to offer you some real fun info.... just when you think you have started to figure things out with one, your next one comes along and it is COMPLETELY different. Lovely isn't it?
Wow, totally no clue. We're so not there yet. Sounds like you were perfect though. But honestly, tumbling class. Kudos. That's a great idea. I want Gavin to do tumbling class. When do kids start going to "classes?" Also, your kid's punishment is that he doesn't get to go to the library...you've got to be doing something right if he likes the library that much :-)
What a sweetie, really! Honestly! I think he's a total sweetheart! I just love him. I even love that he has a little stubbornness! Good luck chicarita!
Britt-You did a great job of handling the situation. When Kayleigh was Carson's age and in dance we had similar situations. Now, that Aubrey is in the same situations I am a lot more calm and able to "go with the flow." It's important to remember that it is only tumbling class, but Carson learned a very important life lesson. One I'm sure he won't forget. Not that you won't encounter the situation again, but he is learning. :) He is a sharp little boy; his comments crack me up!
Do you drive a gold Sienna? I was in Logan yesterday and thought I saw you driving up 14th. Probably on your way home from the fun tumbling class (it was around noon). I don't have much advice, but I do have some sympathy. Cole was the only one in his tumbling class not to get a sucker after class today because he ran away from the teacher (not for the first time). I would have left the class too - I think it's hard for kids (and parents for that matter) to calm down when they're still in the situation. And, at least Carson seemed to care that he missed out. Cole just looked at his teacher like "whatever" when he didn't get a sucker.
I've got to side with Carson on this one. I'm sure he was just dying to get out there and participate and have fun. Sad thing is, most teachers today want everyone to sit motionless, be quiet, and listen to them - and if you don't, then boy oh boy you'll have problems and warnings and names on the board and check marks galore! Discipline discipline discipline! A good teacher, in my opinion, uses a child's enthusiasm and imagination to their advantage. "Boy Carson, you sure are excited aren't you! This will be so fun. Glad you're happy today. Want to go first? Okay, come listen with the rest of us to the last bit of instructions and then we'll tear into this thing..." Few teachers celebrate a busy body or an enthusiastic-full-of-life boy these days. I don't think it's because teachers are trying to be mean, I think it's just because few know how to do it well and they might view it as an easier "job" if everyone is under their complete and constant control. Heavens knows that I've had my fair share of the like - boring, uninspired, lackluster teachers who don't welcome anything that's not on their agenda for the day. On the other hand, I can remember so much about the great teachers that I had - the subjects, their examples, my enthusiasm for what we studied ... They were so great and had such a huge impact on me.
Last thing, my Mom was great. I was sent to the principal's office, sent home for the day, suspended, etc... various times. Each time it was because I laughed too much in class. She never once was mad or scolded me for that. She just encouraged me to try to be a little more in control and to be a good example. Don't get me wrong, this is the same Mother who tanned my hide when I disobeyed her. But she never wanted to stifle my enthusiasm for life. I understood the difference. You should check Carson's IQ. I bet it's higher than his teacher's ...
Love, love, love the new picture on your header! so cute!
dear friends,
this is going to sound cliche and lame and impersonal but...THANK YOU. i have read and reviewed each piece of advice/comment (including your emails and phone calls about this), and i'm convinced that you all could collaborate on an award-winning anthology for parenting.
really. thanks. i've learned so much and have loved all the diverse thoughts and opinions--even (especially) you who told me, lovingly, how i could've handled this better. (and, mark, thank goodness for you dads. paul had the same opinion as you did. i only wish you would've added a "breathe through your nose" somewhere in your comment...)
and now, moving on. it's just nice to know that i'll never have to make another parenting mistake. whew.
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